Joe Plumbing the Depths (of History)

Upon being asked recently a topical question about contemporary politics and the electoral college, JoPa strangely complained about having his vote for Cleveland undermined by some antiquated rules of procedure. Several press members quickly reminded Paterno that even if he had lost money in a friendly office pool betting on a Cleveland Browns team that failed to have seven men on the line of scrimmage on the game's final play, such a bet is technically against NCAA rules and is irrelevant to today's politics. Paterno went on to explain he was talking about the stupidity of the electoral college rules, to which a reporter asked if the 2000 election between Bush and Gore was decided on anti-democratic principles. JoPa then awkwardly revealed his biographical reference points when he claimed that he was referring to the 1888 election between Benjamin Harrison and Grover Cleveland, when JoPa's candidate of choice, and the popular vote winner, Cleveland, was beaten by electoral college victor, Harrison.

In another JoPa related political story, Paterno admitted to being consulted by Obama campaign workers on his knowledge for implementing a publicly funded health care system. It is being reported that Paterno's expertise is based on actually being alive when Germany was adopting a version of the first ever public health system in the world in 1885.

In other German news, JoPa admitted to having stayed up late on his 18th birthday to watch Friedrich Nietzsche host Saturday Night Live, in 1888. Nietzsche had just completed his masterpiece, "Genealogy of Morals."

In other Philosophy news, there are media reports of further proof of JoPa's non-human existence. Apparently JoPa proposed to his wife on a beach while reading passages from Albert Camus' existential classic, "The Stranger." Camus' book is about an alienated urban dweller that loses all passions and finds himself unable to feel emotion at his mother's funeral and goes on to commit a senseless murder in a moment of confusion on a beach... much like a short-circuited, unfeeling robot might do.